I keep telling myself, “For god’s sake get a hold of yourself”. It’s not working.
I’ve cried more in the past 2 months than I did last year. Needless to say I don’t know what to make of that. For a person who at one point could not conjure up a single tear, that is rare. I realize I have many things to come to terms with. Already, I have started the year on the wrong foot.
I cannot bring myself to ask for change because that means I am not accepting things as they are. But I want change, not for my benefit but for his benefits. There must be something wrong with me for not being able to effectively communicate in this relationship. Maybe it’s just me, and I’m the one who needs to change. No, one thing is true: I want change from something that is harmful.
There is so much that is left unsaid because of me. All I want is happiness, but maybe I need to search for what that means to me.
Maybe it’s just cabin fever. I can hope for good things to come. I can hope that tonight will not be a repeat of previous nights. But it is all up to us.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us…
