nothing specific

The great divider

autumn13 — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 02:55:01 +0000

Today, i had yet another unpleasant situation with a member i was helping.

Here’s how it went down:

This couple, dressed in rather flashy clothes, came in and needed some help. So i was the lucky one who got to help them, and it was an older couple. In my office we sit and converse about what they need, i tell them that i’ll call the appropriate department and then go from there. So while the gentleman was on the phone with another department, the lady and i were making small talk, which was nice because it’s always awkward if we are just sitting in silence. So the conversation comes to the fact that we are off on Sundays, and she asks if i go to church, i respond truthfully and say no. And at that very moment her whole demeanor changed, she was no longer pleasant chatty kathy, oh no she was on a mission. It’s funny because we were talking just normally and laughing, then the great big question of religion came to, and that divided us, killed the conversation. So then she has the audacity to ask me, “if you died today, do you think you would go to heaven or hell?’. And here is where i could feel myself getting flushed because i could not believe that she put me in that position having known her all of 5 minutes at the most. All i could think was, “is this really happening?!” I didn’t really know what to answer to that because obviously i couldn’t get defensive and put a philosophical/humanist argument given that i am in my work environment, so i said that that was something i really did not give much thought to. I should have said that i thought i would spend eternity in my idea of heaven, which would be becoming a part of mother earth, and not her religions idea of heaven, and that i did not believe in hell. I would have loved seeing her reaction to that, but again i am at my work and i could not do that.

By this point the look in her eyes has gone from pleasant to a very stern, judgmental look. And that is one of the things that i cannot understand about religious people: they preach that only god can judge us, but they are sure quick to make judgments about people who are not a part of their religion. So she begins telling me that there are some things that god wants us to do. The first one, she says, is to repent because we are sinners, she asks, “do you think that you are a sinner?” What i wanted to say is no i do not think that i am sinner, nothing in my life has been rooted in doing wrong to others, so no i do not think that i am a sinner. What i said to avoid confrontation, was that again i didn’t give that much thought. Luckily after that our visit was almost over so she did not get a chance to continue.

So here’s what bothers me about this event. Why are people so intolerant of different views and lifestyles? why do they feel the need to convert them to their religion/lifestyle? I could have given her a taste of her own medicine by preaching vegetarianism, given that she was wearing a fur coat and hat. I could have been confrontational about that, but the fact of the matter is that i am not that kind of person. I am not confrontational, i am a passive human being who is accepting of differences. I will never understand what gives people the right to judge others and write them off based on differences in lifestyles/views, especially in religious views.

After they left, i told my co-workers that she made me feel miserable because she pretty much insinuated that i was going to hell. Now that i have had time to reflect, i realized that if at her age she has not learned to be accepting of others, then she never will. And if there’s one thing that people by that time in life should know, it’s that we are all different beings, with different ideals and that diversity is one of the most important things in life.

So I hope that when I die I will become part of the great big skies I’ve been obsessed with lately.

I’ve been gone a while

autumn13 — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 19:10:31 +0000

Once again I have forgotten to write in this in a while. Actually thats an understatement. I’ve been wanting to take time and write a reflection of 2010 because it was a different sort of year.
So here it goes:
- During spring there was major changes. A and I talked about many of my concerns that I had regarding his health and the way his habits affected me. Slowly but surely he managed to kick the habit of smoking, of which I am extremely proud of. That was in April. By May it became painfully clear to me that retail was not the job for me. I already knew this was the case early on but I stuck with it for almost 4 years. After much talking with A I decided I needed to leave that job. As much as I liked the people I worked with, I could not take the rude customers, lack of advancement opportunity, and sales. So off I went.
- summer:
For the most part summer was spent job seeking and being home. I began to slightly regret leaving my job without having something else, but something inside me told me I would find something better. I thought that something better would be working at a non profit. That opportunity came and went as it was not a job that I was qualified for. The job description I interviewed for was not what I got hired for. So on my first day I quit. Shortest job ever. On the bright side I learned about Texas state university and the Nutrition degree. Just as I was about to start at A & M I decided I should pursue my love for nutrition and transfer during spring.
- Fall:
Still unemployed at the beginning I tried to focus on school. Chemistry kicked my butt. In September I got a job working at a substance abuse clinic. That was an experience I will never forget. It’s incredible how big the addiction epidemic is and how it can be so easily overlooked. Just as I was getting used to the job I was hired at a financial institution I’d really been interested in. So after only a month I left the clinic.
- winter:
Working at the FI is a lot different and I think I will gain a good amount of useful knowledge. The holidays were spent with my family and A’s family. Feelings of warmth, joy and love abounded and I was so grateful to be surrounded with wonderful people whom I can call my family.

Did I mention how fast 2010 went by?!?

We need to remember to embrace the little moments in our life and be more aware of the world around us.

Good Morning!

autumn13 — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:34:34 +0000

This morning I went for a jog, for the first time in about two months because of the intense summer heat in Texas. It was perfect and I had forgotten how much it makes me so alive to do it, especially early in the morning when all the streets are deserted, and it’s just you and a breeze, and the chirping of birds. It’s delightful. And then it’s even more delightful when you see other people walking or jogging and you say “good morning” or you wave and smile, and it’s nice because endorphins are filling your brain and you know that gesture wasn’t faked.

I’ve also been noticing little hints that autumn is fast approaching although in my backyard it seems as if autumn is the only season with all the leaves on the ground. I love that I can tell by a certain incandescent glow given by the sun, that seasons are about to change.

I am working lady again, although not in the environment that I thought it would be. I won’t go into detail because, well, it’s too early for that.

Also, I have quickly become enamored with this fabulous song,

autumn13 — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 18:36:09 +0000

Today I was standing in line waiting to go into the financial aid office, a very loooonng line, and there was this guy that was leaning against the wall reading a little black book. He caught my attention because he seemed to really be into it, and at first I wasn’t close enough to see the title of the book. But in my head, I kept thinking, “wouldn’t it be odd if he was just standing in line reading the bible page by page?” Now, the reason that thought came in to my head and why I found it somewhat humorous is because sometime last week A ever so nonchalantly and blatantly asked me, “So, does your dad just like read a random part of the bible everyday or is he reading it like a book from beginning to end?” It was pretty funny that he just asked like that, not to mention unexpected because i think it was totally off subject. So as I was standing in line, and as I got closer to that guy, I saw the cross on the front and was able to make out the word ‘bible’. Needless to say I was in a bit of shock and I could not stop paying attention. Part of me wanted to laugh but then I was kind of amazed by his dedication to read what must have been tiny print!

White lies

autumn13 — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 02:43:09 +0000

Everytime I have lied to my mother about something little just so I won’t dissapoint her it makes me feel like a bad daughter. But how could I tell her that even though I am unemployed I would much rather be so than sacrifice my ideals and sell a little bit of my soul to yet another one of corporate Americas big companies? She wouldn’t understand because our ideals are slightly different. Everytime that I’ve told her little white lies I imagine myself in the future disclosing all those little lies and that she would laugh and say, “it’s okay, it’s in the past.” I really dislike dissapointing her, both my parents. And yet I think she secretly knows all the things I’ve lied to her about because frankly I’m not a good liar.

Really?!?!

autumn13 — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 22:23:04 +0000

I am so in shock it has prompted me to want to record it, to need to record it.

All right. I have a friend whom I met through my last job in retail. She is one of the sweetest persons I have ever met, she’s an absolutely wonderful person in my opinion. BUT she is deeply religious. Now, don’t get me wrong I have nothing against people being deeply religious because the way I see it is as a personal choice. And not to mention my parents are deeply religious and of course I love them and respect their faith. I do however have a slight problem with people who push their religion onto others. Let me reiterate: I believe that religion is a matter of choice. It is my choice not to follow my parents religion. It is my choice to believe that I can act like a rightful human being without the influence of religion. It is my choice period. Nothing can change that. Even accompanying my parents some Sundays to church! Quite honestly I go because I like the displays of camaraderie that I see there!

So, when I left my job, my friend assured me that she would visit because she knows the area. I said, “Sure come by any time, you are more than welcome!” Let me add here, that she had questioned me at work about my beliefs and what religion I was brought up in. I told her the truth and told her my parents were really religious, but I myself did not identify with any religion at the moment. I also told her that I considered myself a spiritual person, but not a religious person. So with that in mind, I thought she would not try to get me to convert or anything of that sort.

Nonetheless, she knocked on my door today. I was just getting out of the shower and rushed to get dressed in order to get the door. Of course, I thought she was just visiting and taking a look at my fairly new apartment. I invited her in. We sat. We talked, mostly about work related things and about our other friend who recently got married (and is the same religion). Then when I was least expecting it, she pulls out this booklet and starts to ask if I ever wondered things such as: Why is there suffering? Does God really exist? etc. In my head I am thinking, “Of course I have wondered those things! How could I not?” But I answered with a humble “Yes”, which I think only invited her more to want to discuss the bible verses. I wondered what would have happened if I would have answered “No” very ignorantly. Would she have been as uncomfortable as me? Would she be surprised? Or, would she just ignore it and keep going. I can’t even begin to describe the amount of shock I am still in!

Of course me being the nice young lady that I am, I wasn’t going to tell her I didn’t want her to preach to me because I would probably come off as rude. So I just sucked it up, gave short answers and hoped that she wouldn’t want to make it a habit of coming by and teaching me. So she left the booklet and offered to come by later if I needed to discuss anything I read in it. I told her that I would let her know.

This constitutes one of the weirdest experiences I have had in some time. It goes to show how very unassuming I am of people. I still think she is a wonderful person, I’m just not so sure it’s a good thing that she knows where I live!

This experience is so shocking to me, it has brought me back from my writing hiatus. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that she stopped by and did that!

autumn13 — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:57:16 +0000

I’m sitting here alone, eating breakfast, listening to This American Life. Ira’s voice has become such a comfort to me. I don’t know whether I should consider that a good or bad thing.

What I am wondering right now is how does one just down 12 beers and not be concerned about it? Well I am wondering so much more than that. I suppose that my hyper-awareness of the fact that every action has a reaction is a large part of this. I’ve tried to help, but he’s pretty much laid it out on the table that this will not be something I make him change. Quite honestly the sound of that refrigerator opening and the sound of a can opening late at night has made my heart sink so many times. When I come home and open the refrigerator all I can think is, ” another night.” I try. I try so hard to not let it get to me. But really? How can I let the one person I love the most do this to himself?! How? And if I just let it go, then what will it be like 5 years from now? Hell, what will it be like 1 year from now? It’s not that I want him to completely change who he is. Although, if he considers drinking and smoking to be a fundamental part of who he is, then I think we have very serious differences to discuss. I am happy, but I am most happy when he is not smoking or drinking. I don’t think he understands that this is not a question of loving who he is, it is a question of having concern for the one person I am in love with. The one person I would give everything for. And if he cannot let go of these habits for our love, then what hope do I have? That’s what I really wish I could ask him, whether I should keep hoping that one day he will change. Because if there isn’t any hope, then this will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept. This morning when I woke up and saw all those bottles my heart sank, and yes, I think I felt anger. Perhaps I am just fulfilling that notion that so many women have that they can be the ones to change their significant other, but who often fail… I just wish he would be so much easier to talk to about this, but I think he’s built his arguments and is too hard set on his ideas.

I love what we have. I love our Yazoo. I love our love. I love our good days. I love him, like no other. I love his mind. I love his dreams. I love our crazy ideas. I love everything that we have together. I love cooking with him.

I dislike his drinking. I dislike his smoking. I dislike that he doesn’t want to see the damage that he is doing to his body. I dislike our fights because of this. I dislike having to react the way I do because I don’t want to cause another argument.

Idk

autumn13 — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 14:47:48 +0000

Every action has a reaction.
That said, I was sort of expecting your reaction but hoping with all my heart that it would be a different one. Now I’m sitting here alone, with puffy eyes and confusion. There IS no such thing as perfection, but I just want some consideration of my feelings. Is that too much to ask for? It took me so much courage to finally confront you and now Im not even sure it was worth it…
Something has changed.
I think my cat knows that there is something wrong.

autumn13 — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:06:29 +0000

I need to do some serious soul searching. Stat.

Change is something you make

autumn13 — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:18:58 +0000

I keep telling myself, “For god’s sake get a hold of yourself”. It’s not working.

I’ve cried more in the past 2 months than I did last year. Needless to say I don’t know what to make of that. For a person who at one point could not conjure up a single tear, that is rare. I realize I have many things to come to terms with. Already, I have started the year on the wrong foot.

I cannot bring myself to ask for change because that means I am not accepting things as they are. But I want change, not for my benefit but for his benefits. There must be something wrong with me for not being able to effectively communicate in this relationship. Maybe it’s just me, and I’m the one who needs to change. No, one thing is true: I want change from something that is harmful.

There is so much that is left unsaid because of me. All I want is happiness, but maybe I need to search for what that means to me.

Maybe it’s just cabin fever. I can hope for good things to come. I can hope that tonight will not be a repeat of previous nights. But it is all up to us.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us…